I have had a few people asking after me and about how the boys are doing so I thought it was time to share a little update about what has been happening since they went to live with their Dad (see my previous post which explains what happened here).

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As you can imagine, it has been an incredibly tough and upsetting couple of months.  I thought for a while about closing down my blog – so much of what I wanted to do with it and what I write about is mum related, including the name of it, but here I am without my boys.  That was until a very good friend reminded me that I am still a muma step parent, a role model, an inspiration, adviser, full of experience and have a lot more to offer with my writing.

I want to say how grateful I am to so many people.  To Ste, my family, my friends and some of the incredible people I have met through the blogging and IBD communities for their support.  I could never explain the impact your messages and well wishes and I am truly grateful.

So the boys have settled back into their old school.  Leo is in year 4 and back with his old class.  He is really happy to be back with his old friends and I know that was something he missed while living in Derby.  He is still exceeding his learning targets and doing very well, making me immensely proud as he always has.  He is extra cuddly and does become my little shadow when he is here.  I know if I could move his school friends here he would have had the perfect situation but obviously that was not possible.

Riley has not settled as well unfortunately.  He is doing very well and enjoys his school but wants to be back with Mummy and go back to his school in Derby.  It breaks mine and Ste’s heart every time we are with him and he cries and tells us this, seeing him upset is horrible.  He has got a great report though and me and his teacher are in contact to try and help him cope with being unsettled.

I haven’t yet applied to re-start court proceedings.  Part of me still hopes that me and the boy’s Dad will be able to work out between us what is the best way to move forwards.  I have spoken to him about Riley’s feelings and so far he hasn’t said a lot, other than Riley is fine.  Obviously if this continues, and he carries on rejecting his wishes, I will look to the court to intervene.

I feel awful about making the decision to not take it further at the minute.  I feel some people judge me as a horrible mother.  But at the moment both me and most importantly, the boys, require some stability, a routine and a break from the stress that has impacted on our lives so much in the last few months.

I have been given some money, donated by some amazing friends into a Go Fund Me account to help with solicitor fees and court costs.  This money has been put into savings should it be needed, otherwise it will be split between the boys saving accounts for when they are older.  A massive thank you to the ladies that set this up and did all that they did as well as every single person who donated.  It truly blew me away and your generosity will never be forgotten.

I am writing this as it is time to begin my next chapter.  The one where I find out who I am, other than Mummy.  It has been my proudest and most rewarding ‘job’ but it is time to see what else I can do.  My heart still breaks daily when I think of them, wonder what they are doing, crave a cuddle and even just telling them to stop arguing over and over. I cherish every moment we get to spend together, it’s not enough time but we make the most of it.

I hope you will continue to join me on my journey, keep reading, interacting and inspiring me to create.

Mummy, girlfriend, stepmum, daughter, sister, friend, patient, ileostomate…let’s see what life has in store next.

6 thoughts on “A New Chapter…

  1. I am so proud of you sweetheart for writing this. You are an amazing mum and the people who are judging have never been through what you have. Which means their opinions are invalid. Love you xxxx

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  2. The trouble with mental abuse is that it never goes away. Many years ago my ex physically and emotionally abused me for four years, starting a year after we got together. One day I woke up and realised I didn’t love him and wouldn’t put up with it anymore and left – obtaining a court order for him to stay away from me, indefinitely.

    I’ve been married for 15 years now to my gorgeous husband (together longer) and whilst the physical bruises healed (some scars still there), the emotional abuse, although it doesn’t affect me anymore, is still hard to comprehend.

    I hope you have the strength to want to fight for your boys. What the courts did is deplorable, but it does happen (happened to a good friend of mine, her boys, two out of three children were sent to live with their dad, her daughter stayed with her as she is disabled and the dad ‘couldn’t cope’ with her).

    The saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is very true. I’m far stronger because of my past then I would of been if it hadn’t of happened. Give it time and you will realise you are too.

    PS – I’m the mum of a spoonie child – he has a rare medical condition.

    X

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    1. I agree completely. My new partner is fantastic and so very different but sometimes it can be something that’s said that puts me right back there and I freak out
      Luckily he is very understanding and brilliant but the way it still affects me is hard to cope with at times, I hate that it does but at the same time can’t help it. Having the strength to walk away was all I thought I needed but it does take more than that.
      Thankyou, I really hope that one day they will be back home where they belong, I know they both miss it terribly.
      Thanks for taking the time to share that and I hope you and your family are well xxx

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